The Grasshopper Sings
Oct 18–22, Fort Collins, CO USA
Seasonal Memoir Entry #33
Parenting pre-adults is hard. That’s hardly a groundbreaking discovery, but it feels good nevertheless to state the obvious. It would be detrimental to our children’s development to be wholly a friend, or a parent, or an enabler, or a coach, or a mentor, or a disciplinarian, etc. Rather, we try to match the role-play to the specific situation and context we are dealing with. We don’t always make the right choices, since frustration and other emotions sometimes intercedes, or we misread our children’s moods, and thus needs.
Our children are incredible people, young persons we admire for their talents and personalities, and whom we genuinely enjoy spending time around. Neither are exhibiting red flags, per se, but it’s nevertheless heartbreaking to watch when your children struggle to make friends, and to be sad and lonely at times. It’s not lost on Tina and me that because of technology, we are privy to the daily (and sometimes hourly) vacillations of our children’s moods. I suppose in the past, our parents would be clueless about most of the ups and downs of our day-to-day emotional states. Surely, this was a good thing (for both parties!).
It’s normal to hope the school experience for your children will be amazing, but a pain-free expectation is unrealistic, and likely not what your children need to become happy and healthy thirty-five year olds. Those without teenage (or older) children who talk with enthusiasm and zeal about grit, don’t fully understand the full range of emotions — sadness, guilt, frustration, admiration, sympathy, empathy — that parents of these children experience.
We’ve recently reflected upon the competing concepts of the nuclear family (the West) versus the extended family under one roof (the East). It seemed perfectly normal in the Middle East or in the Philippines to have very large families (both sides of a marriage) under one (large or small) roof. It was practical, and efficient, though surely challenging from a social point of view. You see very little of this in the West, though perhaps I just don’t travel in these ethnic circles. Is there a case that the nuclear family is not really good for people or their families? David Brooks thinks so.
Our children’s experiences at university and in high school have made us rethink our assumptions that they should be pushed out of the nest once they finish school. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, and whether we push back against our own biases toward independence (as opposed to interdependence) that Western society has brainwashed us with.
Closing tangent #1… college fashion is quite different these days, and there is a wardrobe progression, starting with least to most effort made with one’s attire: sweatpants & hoodie → athleisure → jeans and tee-shirt → proper outfit (maybe even a collar!)
Closing tangent #2… legalization of pot is the right move, but I think twenty-five years old should be the legal age. Anyone younger just does not know how to moderate or resist social pressure. Going through university or early employment stones, high, or buzzed surely cannot lead to good outcomes.
I’m sounding super old now, aren’t I?
