The Water Dropwort Flourishes
January 6–10, Hunenberg, Switzerland
Seasonal Memoir #49
I’m back in Switzerland for the opening of the new calendar year. It’s always painful to return, not because of a lack of commitment to the job I agreed to do, or how pleasant it is here, but because I’m leaving my family behind, who is everything to me. We had our reasons for spending this gap year (mostly) apart, and I came to peace with those justifications earlier on (though it wasn’t easy).
I still occasionally feel guilt, and it was on a recent walk that I heard on Joseph Goldstein’s interesting take on the concept, “to the Buddhist, guilt is considered an ego trip.” Say what? Now I’m not a Buddhist, nor do I have any intention of being one–as a tangent, I wonder if I’ll find religion later in life, or if I’m just too much of a scientist for that–but I find Eastern philosophy fascinating, and the closest lifeguide that I have. Buddhists shun guilt because it requires a strong sense of self, which is antithetical of the key tenet of non-self, or anattā. The Buddhists believe that an attachment to one’s self-created identity is a road to suffering. It’s only by releasing yourself from the concept of an unchanging, permanent “me”, that we can find liberation. (I definitely need more meditation practice, reading, and instruction on this concept!)
So instead of feeling guilt, and going on an ego trip, Goldstein advises to be remorseful. It’s okay to spend a little time (but not ruminating) wishing you were more skillful in whatever has happened, and to take responsibility for your actions. But he then suggests we move on and let go of the past. To be precise, he explains it’s actually letting be. It is such a powerful and simple action, but not an easy one, of course. Liberation never is.
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Speaking of which, rather than just return and fall back into my own patterns, especially since I have noticed a pattern of seeking sensual pleasures (and numbing, or escaping, or combatting ennui) through food and drink, I have given myself a 21-day challenge. There are countless versions of this (I’m fascinated by this one), but I guess the logic is that if you can go twenty-one days without something (or with something), the behavior can stick.
I generally eat pretty well when living a monkish, nearly vegetarian life in Switzerland (though the wheels came off before winter holiday, as they normally do, ha), so I’ll choose to focus on drink. I’m a beer snob (American IPAs, porters, and the occasional stout), so I don’t drink much beer over here. But the wine is good and cheap–we’re in Europe, after all. Although I’m a total lightweight (introverts are more sensitive to stimuli; it’s a fact!), I fall into habits that don’t serve me well, whether it’s a glass with a meal, or a few to just chill out on a weekend evening. It’s easy to believe the reports that a glass a day is good for your heart, but evidence (how I feel in the morning) and science contradicts this position. I have doubts that I’ll be able to do it, and it represents a big change in practice, but I’m motivated, so that’s something…
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On a final note, the Omicron surge effectively ended the holidays early for several members of our school’s Covid management team. I’ve also noticed several on the team are burning the candle at both ends, in staying up to date with information, and in sending communications at all hours of the day. I raised the issue to the team, and they were sympathetic to the concern (but also a bit helpless in what to do). I drew up this simple visual, and shared it back with them. You might find it helpful, too.
